Merry Christmas

I just want to wish all my blog readers a very merry Christmas. I hope it brings rest and peace and celebration. Toward that end, I encourage you to click on my friend Brandy's blog (over there to the left) and read her post called "God is for you." It draws into clarity what this whole Christmas thing is all about, and I want to share it with you. God bless each one of you and thanks for reading.

Will

I was talking to my brother on the phone tonight, and he put my six-year-old nephew Will on the phone to say hi. I hit the jackpot; he was very chatty. We talked about Christmas, what Santa might bring him, that we would see him next week, etc. Then the following conversation occurred:

Will: All our presents are wrapped and under the tree already.
Me: They are? That's great, but don't open them or anything. You have to wait till its time.
Will: I know. I'm not really thinking much about those presents. I've been thinking about something else that's way more important than that.
Me: (surprised) You are? What have you been thinking about?
Will: (with wonder) Jesus! I just can't stop thinking about him. We are doing a Christmas program and I just can't stop thinking about Jesus and all the songs we are singing...
Me: Like what kind of songs?
Will: Songs about the baby Jesus!
Me: That is so great, Will. I'm sad we can't see you in your Christmas program.
Will: Well. You can come if you want!

We are going to Will's house five days too late to see the program. But I will be considering the thrill in his voice when he was talking about Jesus, and how much more he's thinking about that baby king than he is the presents under his Christmas tree. Today I'm taking a lesson from a six-year-old, and trying not to be distracted by material/earthly things. I want to be like Will, not able to stop thinking about Jesus. Wanna join me?

Today Katy started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. Very upsetting development. I tried coaching her back to the other way, but she was having none of it. (She can be a bit pig-headed, not sure where she gets this.) This is way worse than the Elmo fiasco though. Mommy is big girl talk. I dread the day I become just plain old MOM. This is the day I will officially be old.

Brynn did something really cute today that I just have to share. This morning before preschool, I overheard her giving Katy a "who's who" lesson on the nativity. "This is the baby Jesus, and this is a shepherd--he takes care of the sheep." That kind of thing. Then she said, "And this is the pretty angel--her name is Chorus." I tilted my head and gave it some thought. And I couldn't help but giggle when I connected the dots. Figured it out yet? She has almost certainly heard a version of the account that reads, "and there appeared in the sky an angel chorus..." That's good stuff, people.

Tidbits

As of this morning, Katy is saying Elmo correctly. Please observe with me a moment of silence as we lose more and more of the sweet babytalking. Sigh. It happens too quickly. Never again will I see her walking around the house calling, "MO-mo! Where are you?"

***************

I am stressed out. I hate that because I am usually way into all the Christmas hoopla--baking and decorating and shopping and the whole nine yards. But I am just worn out this year. I don't know if its all the traveling, or just how crazy things are going to get with our schedule starting in about two weeks, or the financial strain so many are facing... but I am really feeling overwhelmed. And I hate that, because Christmas is my favorite. I need to read Luke 2 before I sleep tonight and try to get some perspective in the chaos. I may also make some lists. Things are manageable when I pace myself. Theoretically.

***************

I went into a store the other day with both of the girls, and a woman held the door open for our little parade to pass. I thanked her and she said, "I know what its like. You're doing manual labor right now, honey. This is the hardest time physically, but the real hard stuff is yet to come." Now, I appreciate her helping me get inside and I like that she validated the fatigue I experience all the time. But why not leave it at that instead of tacking on the gloom-and-doom pronouncement of future difficulty? Why do moms do this? Think about it and you will realize how often people offer you empathy in a situation and follow it up with a grim-reaperish, "Just wait." I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to offer encouragement and then shut my mouth instead of bumming people out. Every day is hard enough as it is, without adding the burden of tomorrow.

*************

I miss Christy. I was putting up decorations and came across a gift she gave me a couple of years ago. It's this cool, old-fashioned sign made out of painted boards that says "Sleigh Bells Ring," complete with jingle bells. We had seen it while flipping through a magazine and both loved it. The next thing I know, she & Josh gave it to me for Christmas. If I remember right, Julie and Chris gave her the exact same one that year. Anyway. It was weird hanging it up in its usual spot this year, but not as weird as it would have been to put it back in the box. If that makes sense. So since I have Christy on my mind, I decided to share something I wrote on her facebook wall (now a memorial) a couple of weeks ago...

I've been thinking about you so much, Christy. Maybe its the holidays coming and all the memories I have of special times with you at this time of year. I was thinking about the time we (stubbornly!) went shopping on Black Friday when no one else wanted to brave the early hours or the crowds... it poured all day! We were cold and wet! I remember you were shopping for your new family, the inlaws to be. You so wanted to get them gifts they would love, but you didn't know them very well yet. We ate lunch at Fridays and had mexican-type appetizers. I was craving it because I was newly pregnant with Brynn. My doctor had grounded us from travel that year for Thanksgiving because of some complications I was having. I was so bummed about that at the time, but now I am so thankful because we never would have had that day together otherwise. What a sweet gift from God that is to me now. Yay for complications--seriously. Love you, Sweet. Miss you.

Transition

I have had a lot of heavy posts lately. Not lately really, because I haven't posted in a while. But when I have, they have been heavy. I don't how to transition back to kid stories, so I guess I'm not going to. Kid stories are coming, but without a nice transition. So I apologize in advance for the abrupt changes in tone that will likely characterize this blog for a while. I remain constantly entertained by the sweet quirkiness of life with my kids, and yet my mind is mostly occupied by more serious matters of loss and faith these days. I want to write more. But you, oh reader, should brace yourself for literary whiplash. Soon.

Christy

By now most of my blog readers probably know that my dear friend Christy Hildebrand died last Saturday unexpectedly. I feel like writing something to show you how wonderful she was, and how much she meant to me, but I think I will share something she wrote instead. Less than a week before her death, she wrote the following note on facebook. I believe she meant it as a testimony and a thank-you, but now I think it was the grace of God at work prompting her to write it. I can't tell you the peace it has brought to her family and friends over the last week, even as it was read at her funeral two days ago. I loved Christy dearly, and am so thankful to have been her friend. Take a few moments to read this, and you'll begin to see why...

Dear readers,

As many of you know by this point, the last two months have been some of the most difficult days of my life. But I cannot simply walk away from these days now that I am almost completely better without reflecting on what I have learned - or was just reminded of: 1.) Christ is in me and I am in Him. I simply would not have gotten through this ordeal and be this joyful on the other side of it apart from this truth. 2.) God has revealed His love for me not only by sending His one and only Son to die for my sins - which absolutely was enough - but continues to reveal this love everyday through my family, my friends and even my doctors:-

My husband Josh is my husband for a reason. I firmly believe now more than ever that he was selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father. Josh has lived out the vows he spoke to me on the day we were married 4 1/2 years ago in a way that I didn't even know was possible. He has prayed for me, loved me unconditionally, been there at every moment I needed him there, taken care of my physical needs, helped me to understand and deal with my emotional needs and has done his best to keep me smiling and laughing through it all. I pray he always knows how true my love is for him and how grateful I am for the love he shows to me every single day. I am quite the lucky girl!

My mom, Julie, is my mom for a reason. I also firmly believe now more than ever that she was also selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father - just as Mary was chosen to be the mother of Jesus. God knew even before I was created that I would need a very special mother - and boy did he pick the right one! My mom has helped me clear every hurdle I have ever faced in my life. Some we jumped and cleared without difficulty and some we jumped, smacked into the hurdle and fell down. But anytime we fell, we fell together. And everytime we fell together she was always there to pick me up. My mom has also prayed for me, loved me with a love I cannot even understand, been there every time I have called for her, taken care of my physical needs and has cried with and for me. I pray she always knows how strong my love is for her. She is truly my best friend.

Kyle, my brother, and Chris, my stepdad, are also in my life for a reason - they make me laugh! God knew I would need that from time to time :0) Anytime I feel like there is no smile left in me, one of them ALWAYS proves me wrong. I love my brother more than he probably knows and I know he loves me. I am happy that God has bonded us strongly together as brother and sister and enjoy the times we get to spend together. I also love my stepdad. God brought him into our lives over 10 years ago and I know we needed him as much as he needed us. We have grown a lot as a family over the years and I am happy to have the relationship that I have with him today. I pray it grows even stronger as the years continue to go by and as we all continue to learn and grow in Christ.

My friends - way too numerous to count or list! God has given me great friends from all over the world. My friends have prayed for me, visited me, cared for me and have made themselves available to meet my needs even when it wasn't convenient for them. I pray that I can truly express my gratitude and return the love they have so generously poured out on me.

My doctors - Dr. Jeffrey Neal, Dr. Paul Nichols, Dr. John Harrison, Dr. Charles Rose and others I'm sure I'm forgetting (or don't even remember that have taken care of me). God has put together such an amazing group of doctors for me and they have come together to treat me in the best way they possibly can. These doctors, the ones whose names I listed in particular, have a love for me that I don't understand - I'm just their patient - but I feel it each time I have a conversation with any of them. I am so thankful for their care and concern and feel truly confident and blessed that God carefully selected each one of them for me.

3.) In the words of Geoff Moore - "It's good to be alive." I came as close to dying as I think I ever have and although I am confident of where I am going when I do - the fact that I didn't means that God still has work for me to do here on Earth. What that is...I have no idea. I know a good part of it is to continue in ministry with Josh and spread His word. But, I feel like there is more. What? Not sure. But when I figure it out I'll sure let you know. And, maybe I'll never know. That's OK. I plan to live my days learning and growing as much as I possibly can and living each day as if it were my last. August 5th, 2008 could have been that last day. It wasn't and I am grateful for that. I now have a perspective on life that I have never had. It was a wonderful lesson to learn.

Love to all,
Christy

Anniversary

I was laying in bed a few moments ago reflecting on the day when I realized it was September 1st. I mean, I knew it was, but I remembered. My dad died on September 1st, 1983. I was 12 years old. I did some quick math and counted 25 years. That is a crazy long time for him to be gone. I've lived twice as long without him as I did with him, and yet I will still name that loss as one of the most defining events of my life.

I stared at the green light on the baby monitor blinking in the dark and thought about the sermon I heard yesterday in church. Our pastor spoke about Jesus as the healer, how that was so much a part of who He was that He sometimes healed people without being asked and without any demonstration of faith on the part of the needy one. It was a great sermon, but I confess it really would have rattled my cage 15-20 years ago. How does He decide who to heal? I just don't know, and once in a while something rises up in me and wants an answer to that question. When I was 11, I sat in the bottom of my closet for a year asking God to heal my dad, and believing He would. I was so surprised when dad actually died because I always thought God was going to change it, that there would be a happy ending somehow.

I still don't know why He didn't heal my dad, but I'm grateful tonight that about 10 years ago, He began to heal me. Deep in my heart I was bitter and angry, and I mistrusted God's intentions toward me. But then I heard some teaching about Jesus' encounter with the widow in Nain. How she was walking by with her dead son in a funeral procession when Jesus saw her and was so moved by her pain that he raised the son up right then and there. She didn't ask Him to do it. She didn't demonstrate any faith in Jesus. There's really no indication in the passage that she was aware of Him being there at all. Which of course she wasn't... if you've ever buried someone you love, you know how the world stops turning and other people cease to exist. There is only the immeasureable, white-hot pain that is all you are in that moment. Of course she didn't see Him. But she passed Him, and it was as if He couldn't help Himself. He just intervened, powerfully. It's an amazing incident really. And the teacher concluded (not just from this passage) that healing was an integral part of who Jesus was. He'd never known suffering in heaven, let alone death. It was His nature to heal and restore... she concluded that any time He chose to act in a different way--withholding healing--it could only be for some greater glory to come, almost an act of restraint on His part. This was the beginning of healing for me. It was the first time I could see that God was still good and compassionate and loving, even though He allowed this to happen to me. Now I can say honestly that I'm not bitter anymore. I don't doubt God's goodness. I believe.

25 years feels so strange; there is a sadness and a longing for all I never knew about him. But there is joy in what I do know: my dad loved to fish and shoot guns. He liked tomato sandwiches with butter and often asked me to bake a potato for him when he was sick. He liked football and Hogan's Heroes, CCR and Simon & Garfunkle. (I love all of those too, except Hogan's Heroes!) And he was a good rescuer for a daughter dreaming scary dreams in the night. One of those nights he let me sleep in his bed (mom was working), and I fell asleep listening to him tell a story about his grandpa while a black & white movie played in the background.

Tonight I am thankful for the 12 years I had with Dad. And I'm thankful that in Christ, the hardest things we have to walk through in life are not for nothing. He's not just slapping us around... but working something in and through and around us that is so big, and so ultimately good. I'm thankful that those hard things are for maturity and growth and grace and perseverance and faith. And faith and faith and more faith. He can redeem anything--any mess, any family, any anything.

I write this for myself, to mark what to me is a profound day. But I hope it encourages someone reading who is also on a hard path... to keep trusting in spite of the circumstances, and believe God for the good, because he promises to bring it. And He is faithful.